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Itís Just Hard for Me

I was in fifth grade. There were all kinds of people making fun of me. Then there was Mark, who did not help one bit. It wasnít that he made fun of me, but instead liked meÖand I mean he LIKED me. I did not like him like that at all. Besides, I was in fifth grade and I didnít want a boyfriend then. Well, he ended up going to the same middle school I attended as well. This didnít help either. He was stillÖ.pursuing me, I guess you would say. It wasnít that I didnít like him as a friend. That was fine. However, he and I were never close, he just started pursuing me. It drove me crazy. All the students would make fun of me. His mom and my mom became friends when I was in the seventh grade. I had agreed to being Markís friend, as all his friends from elementary school went off to different middle schools. Well, with my mom and his mom being friends, this meant spending MUCH time at his place and with him. This didnít help either. The rumors started in middle school. They started saying we had kissed under the stairs. Then it moved to that we had sex under the stairs. (Iíve NEVER even kissed a guy, and Iíve only hugged some of my guy friends, who I was very close with.) It really hurt my feelings. On top of all that, people were spreading rumors that I didnít take baths or showers and such nonsense. However, so many people would start in on that. Many of the guys would pass by me, and they would think it so fun to say ďstinky.Ē It really hurt my feelings. They didnít seem to care. Well, Markís mom got in trouble with the law and perhaps Mark was too. I can remember that one day in eighth grade a policeman came to our door and started asking about them. The next morning as my mom was taking me to school, I just started crying. It was so much on me, and only in eighth grade. We also used to get the calls that someone had called us from the Calcasieu Womenís Correctional Center. This was probably Markís mom, Opal. When I was in ninth grade, we heard that Opal had kidnapped the little girl that she had tried to adopt before. The little girl was adopted by a different family after she was taken from Opal because of the abuse.
When I was in tenth grade, there was a freshman guy I really liked. Well, I finally did tell him. When I told him, he basically yelled at me. He was very rude to me the whole year. This didnít help me at all. I liked him so much. However, I quickly learned that Joey wasnít what he makes himself first seem to be. He makes himself seem all nice and sweet at first. Later on, I learned all about how he is basically a pyromaniac and doesnít really care about anyone.
Then in eleventh grade, I told this guy, Alberto, that I liked him. All things started to seem positive. I thought, just maybe for once, things would go fairly well. They seemed to go fairly well for awhile. He would tell me he loved me and say how he would always like me, and how I was his only true friend. Later on, during my twelfth grade year, he asks another girl to date him. She goes and asks me and some of his other ďfriendsĒ about him, and tells me that he asked to date her. Well, perhaps they shouldíve been together. I had heard from both of them, and they are both players. This is from what they have told me, not others. Well, Alberto, he didnít really apologize to me about that, but I liked him so much that I accepted what he did as an apology and it was he and I for a little while. However, later on during the same school year, he starts yelling at me how he never truly loved me. He would blame me for every little thing. It was always my fault. All of a sudden this immature middle school girl is his best friend and she starts yelling at me every chance she gets. Alberto just decides that we canít even be friends anymore. He takes everything I say as an insult. I never insulted him; he just would make those types of things up. I have never heard from him again.
So, now thereís Robert. Heís such a great friend! Well, I do like him. I really donít know about anything. We have such a good friendship, and when I have that with someone, I hate it to get ruined. I am frightfully scared of telling anyone that I like them. It has always been a hard thing for me. With Joey and Alberto, it has become much harder and much scarier for me too. I basically freak at the thought of such things. So many things go on in my mind. Itís like, I like Robert. Should I say that? I donít know. I like our friendship. Besides, heíll be moving to Houston. However, itís only to Houston. Everything is so confusing to me. Plus, the way I get about TELLING a guyÖthereís almost no way I couldÖI mean, it scares me so much. I donít want things to happen that would ruin our friendship. I donít know that it would, since we have a good friendship. Still, I donít know. I just donít know.